


A New Beginning

by Eowyn (eowynsmusings)



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: AU, M/M, POV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-10
Updated: 2013-06-10
Packaged: 2017-12-08 02:12:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/755793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eowynsmusings/pseuds/Eowyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the <i>Rage</i> party, things change once more for Brian and Justin, and a certain fiddler won't take "No" for an answer. </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 - Open Your Eyes

Justin   
  
The day had started out so nicely. Waking up next to Ethan, next to someone who really wants to be with me. The roses, the softly whispered words... Even when I was at the loft, picking up my stuff... It was ok. I truly thought that I could make a clean break, despite the memories that assaulted me. Yes, the sex was always great. But that's about it. Brian never even tried to give me what I wanted, never seemed to care how I felt. Closing the door behind me, I felt so free all of a sudden. I should have known that it was too good to be true.   
  
Cause when I got into the diner, _he_ was there. Not to mention the rest of the gang. And they stared at both of us, as if we were some pieces in an exhibition. But it was the way Brian looked at me ... when he thought I didn't see it... that made me feel like running and hiding. Putting out the trash had been the perfect excuse to get away from that look, away from _him_. What the fuck! It had only been one fucking night, a night that I enjoyed for that matter, but here I was, missing _him_. 'Get a grip, Taylor. He doesn't want you. And Ethan...' Only that Ethan isn't Brian, I realise yet again. And if I'm honest with myself I'd choose Bri over Ethan any time - for some reason that eludes me. Not that I'll ever get the opportunity to do that again.   
  
Brian Fucking Kinney, who'd looked so forlorn just now as if he, too... But Brian doesn't do any of this shit. Which was the main problem all along. I remember the rules, once again wondering why he had accepted them without putting up a fight. Maybe he wanted to see if he could control himself. Yes, it probably had been a little experiment for him, and nothing else. And anyway, it had only been a question of time and soon he'd have broken them as well... Only that I had fucked up a long time ago. And I can't even say why.   
  
I mean, I really thought I had what I wanted with him, didn't I? No, I guess not. After the ... the ... the fucking Prom, I tried so hard to make him love me, even though I knew all along that I wasn't worth anyone's affection, pathetic little faggot that I was. In any case I'd made sure he realised that as well. And it was for the best, too. Ethan will give me what I need, will show me that he loves me, hell, he tells me so every damn day. And that's something Brian never could. Never wanted. Yes, I'd be happy with Ethan. Then why the fuck was my heart screaming in agony? 'Shut up, you! Brian doesn't love you; didn't love you, ever! It's over, it's fucking over so shut up!'   
  
"Justin..." Oh shit. 'Not now, Mikey. Not ever. I don't need you to tell me what a loser I am. I already know...' But Mikey doesn't stop. No, he rambles on like I'd known he would. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I almost have to laugh at that. 'Hell Mikey, how would I know. Picking up the shards of my life left in your wake, I guess.' Why did he have to get involved? Things had been ... just terrible really. So maybe I should thank him for telling Brian. But then I remember the reasoning behind his actions, and I lose it.   
  
"What the fuck do you care? You got what you wanted ever since I showed up that night two years ago. I'm no longer part of Brian's life, and you can finally try to hit it off with him." And he would. Poor Ben. I really thought they were good for each other. Then again, Michael has been holding on to his little fantasies all along...   
  
He startles me when he begins to chuckle, shaking his head. "Damn, you really have me figured, don't you? Only you don't know shit! If you think that's the reason I told Brian, you're sadly mistaken." He sighs, his eyes locking with mine and I'm holding my breath cause I've no fucking clue what he's up to. "I told him because I knew the time had come for him to do something if he wanted to keep you around. Besides, it's not like he didn't know..." That's what throws me off track. Mikey must see it, too, for he continues, "Fuck you, Justin. Do you think he's completely dense? You were screwing everything you had right under his nose!" And fuck if that's not true. But it's the things he says next that tell me what a little piece of shit I've become. "And he was hurting, still is for that matter. He'd been clinging to that _thing_ you two had, desperately trying to keep it all together."   
  
Yeah, right. Like Mikey would know. But what if he is right? What if he had seen and I... He goes on, and I know that this must be hard for him as well, know that he'd much rather tell me to get lost once and for all. But instead he's finally acting like Brian's best friend, and hadn't he always claimed to be just that? "I thought that by telling him... I guess I'd forgotten Jack's conditioning for a sec. He knew that you were miserable and since, as he believes, he's incapable of loving and having a normal relationship... He saw you and that Ethan last night and must have thought that he could give you the things you need. So he made sure that you took that chance, without a second thought of him."   
  
I feel truly sick now. 'Fuck you, Brian. Fuck you for not telling me, not showing me. And most importantly, for not _stopping_ me while I made the biggest mistake of my fucked-up life.' But can I really blame him? I'd known what I was getting myself into when entering this _relationship_ with him. Why did I have to make everything so hard, why did I have to set up those godforsaken rules? It seems like Mikey can read minds all of a sudden, cause he says, "I should kick your sorry ass, Justin. You managed something that only one other person could do to him before – his fucking father! You made him feel small and unworthy. Throwing everything he tried to give you back in his face..." What the fuck is he on about now? "It was ok that you broke your precious rules, yes? But he had to follow them to the letter..."   
  
How on earth? "You know about them?" I just can't believe it. And he stands there, a wry smile on his lips and fucking shrugs. Shit.   
  
"Brian told me so someone could make sure that he got home by three. I guess he thought I'd have a fit when he told me, but... You know something, Justin? Screw the fucking rules. Him accepting anything like that should have told you he loved you! Even I got it then, though I didn't know it at the time." His eyes are flashing like he's really miffed or something. But I can't really tell why he's annoyed. Is it because, as he seems to believe, Brian loves me – though I just can't imagine that. Or is it because I was too blind, too preoccupied to see Brian's distress?   
  
While I'm pondering those things, he seems to prepare the final blow that will make all my certainties crumble. Sure enough... "You know, despite everything he did I never believed that he really _loved_ you. I guess I didn't want to see what was right in front of me. Didn't want to see how he'd changed for you, didn't want to think of how _broken_ he was that night at the hospital. And all those small things..." He shakes his head. "I didn't want to see it then. All I wanted was to go back to Brian and Mikey, and the fun we'd had. When I met Ben, things started to change, but it still wasn't enough to open my eyes. But then..."   
  
He stares at me, pleading with me to understand him and his actions, telling me that he knows that he was wrong and that what he wanted a year ago is not what he wants now. And I'm beginning to believe him, believe that he didn't tell Brian out of jealousy or malice. He only tried to help, cause he'd seen that I was too far along that road to destruction to stop anymore. He takes a deep breath, strengthening himself. "When Ben was in hospital, I ran into one of the nurses that had taken care of you last year." I don't want to think about that, but Mikey is merciless, or maybe he just thinks this is something important that I need to hear. "She asked how you were, and how your nice friend was doing, the one who'd guarded your sleep each and every night. I had no clue who she was talking about, but then she said that your friend's name had been Brian... And I knew what it meant. That he truly loved you as much as everyone thought. Every night, he'd hit the clubs, only to end up at the hospital, watching you sleep..." He gazes at me intently, and I can only swallow around the lump in my throat.   
  
I can't believe that he never told me. But then again, I understand it all too well. My heart is singing, but I don't feel elated. I just feel like utter shit. If only I had known. Most of the things that went so wrong wouldn't have. Cause if he was there every night... It means that I'm still worthy, that he still thinks... No, wait. After all the shit I caused to happen... I really had him, had what I'd always wanted with him, and I blew it. 'Smooth, real smooth, Taylor.' I feel my eyes well, fucking allergies, and turn away from Mikey cause I don't want him to see. I blew it! And where I was sure that it was Brian's loss only yesterday, I now know... It's too fucking late. I burnt my bridges alright.   
  
Suddenly, I feel a warm hand on my shoulder, and before I know what's going on, Mikey's hugging me. And fucking whispers that it's not too late, that things can still work out somehow. That Brian still wants me... I'm crying my eyes out like I haven’t done since the ... fuck, call it by it's name, you coward ... the bashing. I'm crying because I had Brian's love but didn't see it. I'm crying because it was me, and not Brian, who broke the fucking rules, and finally I realise what that means. Brian really tried, and I blew it. And I'm crying because I've not idea how to fix this, how to fix us. I've hurt him, gods, how I've hurt him. I wouldn't give me another chance if I were him...   
  
At long last I draw back, and it feels so odd that this is Mikey, but then again, it's so right! I don't think he's doing this for Brian only. He wants to show me that I'm his friend as well, and that he wants me to be happy, preferably with Bri. I shake my head, and murmur, "It's too late..."   
  
But Mikey smiles at me. "I think you two just need to talk, and you have to get him to listen to you. Go to the loft, and wait for him. He's not going to run out on you there. And if he tries to throw you out," the smile turns into a grin, "make sure that he doesn't succeed." Nice plan. Only there's a tiny little problem.   
  
"I don't have a key anymore... I picked up my stuff before I came here, and put the keys into his mailbox." Now I wish I hadn't done that. First I'd wanted to give him the keys, doing this face to face. Yeah, alright. Cause I wanted to gloat. I'm such an idiot.   
  
But Mikey's grin is still there, and he reaches inside his jacket and hands me his keys to the loft. "I hope you haven't moved in with the fiddler yet..." I shake my head. No. Not because I hadn't wanted to, but because I was already running late. My things are currently at Daph's, so there'll be no problem retrieving them. I can't believe that I'll be moving in again after moving out only this morning. That is, if Brian... Again, Mikey seems to know my thoughts, cause he says, "And don't worry. He might tell you to get lost, but I bet he'll be too happy to see you to do anything too radical." I grin and he winks at me. This is just too surreal. Michael Novotny, the guy who always wanted to get rid of me, is now trying to fix me up with Brian again. I shake my head at the absurdity of it all, and when I look up again, I see Debbie approaching. Apparently she's been wondering if Mikey had killed me.   
  
"Think you'll come back some time soon, Sunshine? Cause you're fucking working here." I can tell that she's not really pissed, cause she's giving me one of her huge smiles. Then she slaps Mikey over the head like she always does, and says, "About bloody time."   
  
Mikey just glares at her, then tells her that I still have to make an important phone call, and that I needed to take the day off anyway. Why she's suddenly crying and crushing my poor ribs in one of her hugs is beyond me. Or maybe it isn't. When she finally releases me, I breath a sigh of relief. And I just have to give her a kiss on one rosy cheek. I can't believe how my plans for today have changed. Now things are so clear to me. First I have to call Ethan and tell him that I'd made a huge mistake, and that I couldn't stay with him after all. Cause I'd only hurt him in the long run. And I would, I know that. We wouldn't have lasted anyway. My heart only wants one person, and that's just not him. Then I'll pick up my things at Daphne's again, and go back home. And I will get Brian to listen, and to talk. Cause now that Mikey's opened my eyes, I'm on track again. And I know exactly what I want.   
  
\---   
  
Brian   
  
I can't say that I'm surprised when I find Justin's keys in the mailbox. But what shocks me is how unwilling I am suddenly to go up to the loft. I know what I'll find, and I dread it. Hell, I can at least admit it to myself, can't I? Last night, it was okay. I mean, I knew that he wouldn't come home, but I still had his things around me, so I didn't feel so alone. Yeah, right. I was hugging one of his fucking sweaters to me so that I could sleep. Tonight, I won't have even that anymore. I guess I'll just go to Babylon and get pissed. Or maybe not. Some place else, where I won't run into Theodore or Emmett. Cause I had enough of their pity already. Poor Brian... Sure. Do they really think that I'll break like fucking glass because that little shit left me? 'Yeah, go on lying to yourself, Kinney. You'd give anything to have him back.' I would, but that's out of the question.   
  
The elevator stops, and I slowly move to _my_ door, _our_ door no longer. And I find that it's fucking unlocked. Shit. Not again, Justin! I open it cautiously, half-afraid of what I'll find. Nope, everything seems to be where it's meant to be, unless I count the most important... 'Stop it right now, Kinney!' And then I hear the clanking of pots and pans from the kitchen and see... I swear if I wasn't Brian Fucking Kinney, I'd be rubbing my eyes at this point. Either I'm more damaged than I'd thought and am hallucinating, or the little fucker is in my home making fucking dinner.   
  
He must have heard me come in, cause he suddenly looks at me, one of those Sunshine smiles gracing his features. Shit, the last time he smiled at me like that was... 'No, don't go there. Not again. It hurts too much...' Fuck, I just want to take him into my arms and hold him. But I don't. And instead of begging him to stay and never to leave me again like that crippled lump in my chest wants me to do, I snap, "What the fuck are you doing here?"   
  
And what does the little shit do? He continues to smile, and whispers, "I'm making dinner. Something Chinese that I think you will like..." Dinner... Chinese... He's here and acts as if nothing happened last night. What sort of a fucking game is that?   
  
Well, it's not one I want to play right now, or ever. "I'll only say it once. I want you to leave, now! Get the fuck out of here, and go back to your precious new lover. Let him sing you the stupid love songs you so desperately want to hear, cause I sure as hell won't." Because I can't. Yes, I care about him, very much. But I can never tell him. I tried to show him how I felt, but it wasn't enough.   
  
He's still smiling, and I'm beginning to wonder if he might have hit his head or something like that. "I am with my _precious lover_ , though he's not exactly _new_. And Brian, just for your information, Ethan wasn't a singer, but a violin player." He's chuckling, probably at my dumbstruck expression. "Not that it matters anymore." What doesn't matter?   
  
I stare at him, and he stares back. By now I'm certain that he's lost it. The fiddler doesn't matter? And suddenly this fear grabs hold of me. What if seeing me at the diner, and I could still kick myself for not being able to keep my fucking emotions in check, what if seeing me has caused him to take _pity_ on me and he's come back to poor suffering Brian. Fuck! "Get out!" I say, no yell, and he's chuckling at me, and damn if I don't know why.   
  
"Didn't you say you weren't going to repeat yourself? And anyway, you can just spare your breath cause I won't go. At least not before you've listened to me. You will hear me out, and if you still want me to leave afterwards, I will." I move to grab his arm, to drag him away from his cooking and throw him out of my life, but he slaps my hand away. "No Brian. You owe me at least this much!"   
  
I owe him? I owe him shit! Then why the fuck am I nodding? He smiles once more, and lowers the temperature of the stove so that his rotten food isn't boiling anymore, and merely stays warm. When he raises his head again, he's sighing. He runs his hand through his hair, and I itch to do the same, but I know that I'll never be able to again. "I want to apologise." I open my mouth to stop him, but he cuts me off, "Before you say that sorry is bullshit, listen to me. Okay?" Fuck, I nod again. What on earth is wrong with me? "I'm sorry I hurt you, Brian. And I'm sorry that I didn't even see it. I'm sorry that I ever set up those fucking rules, only to break them myself. But you know what? More than all that I regret that you never told me!" Something tells me that he's really angry now. "Why didn't you want me to know that you were at the hospital?"   
  
I freeze. How did he find out? Jennifer? Or did he remember something? Maybe I was careless one of those nights and... No, it can't be that. I want to tell him that it meant nothing and that it's none of his fucking business, but I know that he won't take that for an answer. I turn my back to him, cause I think I caught his allergies. "I ... I couldn't help you. So what good would it have done?"   
  
I can hear him sigh, and I know that he draws closer. Then I feel his arms go around my waist, and he rests his head against my shoulder, "It would have told me that you cared about me, when I thought that no one really did. Except maybe my mom and Molly. Fuck Brian! I thought you didn't give a shit about me. Thought you didn't care if I lived or died. Everyone came to visit, even Michael. Only you weren't there, ever." Oh shit. I'm seriously considering walking out on him right now. Cause this is just too painful. But he's here. He's here and he wants to talk to me. He's not with the fucking fiddler or someone else. Maybe, maybe we still have a chance after all...   
  
It's that thought that makes me reply to him, that makes me lay myself bare to his gaze, "I couldn't. I was afraid to look at you and find nothing but hatred in your eyes. Cause if I hadn't been there, Hobbs would never..."   
  
"You don't know that. Hobbs was a fucking asshole, and the thing is that I did my utmost to annoy and tease him all the time. So he might have done it anyway. And if it hadn't been for you, calling out my name" – _Justin_ – "I could be dead now. You saved me, Bri. It wasn't your fault." He's said that before, but maybe, just maybe I'm beginning to believe him now. "And it was the thought of you that made me fight my way back to consciousness, the thought of you that made me work so hard during rehab..." I can hear the tears in his voice, but he continues like the brave little fucker that he is. "I wanted you to be proud of me, Brian. I wanted you to ... to care about me." I know what he really means – 'I wanted you to love me.' Shit, I did ... I do. But I'm not what he needs.   
  
I turn around, and feel his arms drop away from my waist. He gazes at me, and sure enough, his allergies have caught up with him again. Before I know it, I lean in and kiss the tears away. 'Don't fool yourself, Kinney. You might be able to help him now. But you aren't what he needs.' Yes, I know that only too well. And I'm going to tell him. However, he beats me again, and before I can say anything... "Why did you give up on us, Brian? Why didn't you stop me from screwing up? And I'm not only referring to Ethan here. I went out of my way to please you, and grew more miserable with every passing day. But it wasn't only me, was it. I just couldn't see it."   
  
My voice almost breaks as I whisper, "I want you to be happy, Justin. Even if you can't be happy with me." Why he's suddenly all over me, kissing me within an inch of my life, is beyond me.   
  
\---   
  
Justin   
  
Gods, I was such a bloody fool. He may never say the words, but that stuff about wanting me to be happy even if it wasn't with him... Gods, how dense can you be? We both know that there's more we need to talk about, but we also feel the need for something else right now, and that's why we're now on the sofa, and he's kneeling between my spread legs, preparing me for his cock. He'd probably have kittens if I told him what I'm currently thinking, but I don't care. I know that this won't be a _fuck_ , just like we haven't _fucked_ in ages. It was always more, and now is the first time that I realise it. We are about to _make love_ , and I have to bite my fist to stop me from laughing. I thought that what Ethan and I had was love, but compared to me and Bri...   
  
Brian's lowering himself on top of me, his eyes searching mine, and I lose myself in their hazel depth just as he pushes inside. Once more I'm forced to see my own folly. His eyes shine with emotions – desire, need, relief, and most of all _love_. It's been there all along, and I never saw it. I wish Debbie was here to slap me over the head. But then again... He whispers my name, then his lips are covering mine, and our tongues begin their endless dance. He moves, almost drawing out completely, only to push inside again. His hands search and find mine, and our fingers twine, giving him more leverage.   
  
I can only sigh against his lips, then moan as he hits my prostate, over and over. Eventually he has to draw back, and again he's studying me, his eyes driving past all my defences and into my soul. I should be scared shitless I guess, but instead I love every second of it. And then he smiles at me, one of those open and unguarded smiles that I so love. He begins to pump in earnest now, and I feel myself getting closer and closer to climax. When it hits me, I come all over our chests, and I can feel him follow me into oblivion.   
  
\---   
  
Brian   
  
I can't believe this is happening. I was sure that we were over. But here he is, lying in my arms. I'm so fucking grateful to every deity out there for making him come back. I know that there's more that he needs to talk about, and I fear that one of those things will be the Prom. But I'm beginning to see that this was where I went wrong, even though I'd never admit it to anyone, not even him. Or maybe to him, some day... We never talked about anything that happened that night, I never wanted to talk about it because I was fucking scared that I would crash and burn to ashes. But if this is what he needs, I guess I should take a leap of faith here.   
  
But for now, things are just fine. Soon, we will have fucking dinner like a couple of fucking breeders or lesbians, and I'm not even freaking at the thought. Because it'll make him happy, and as I told him before, that's all I want. Shit... Allow me to introduce myself, Brian Kinney, dyke in the making. I guess I had this coming ever since I took the little shit with me to the hospital that fateful night.   
  
I suddenly remember something, and give him my infamous tongue-in-cheek grin. I can see him start to panic, so I take pity on him and ask casually, "Why was your fucking key in my mailbox by the way?"


	2. Chapter 2 - Understanding

Justin   
  
Fuck, fuck, fuck. He had to bring that up now, didn't he? I feel like deer caught in the headlights, and if the way he's grinning at me is any indication, he knows that and enjoys himself immensely. Shit. How do I explain this to him? How do I tell him that I had intended to leave him for Ethan because I just couldn't believe that he ever really cared about me, especially after that little incident last night. And that Mikey of all people chanced my mind, and straightened me out, in a manner of speaking.   
  
I really want to crawl into a hole and hide, cause now he raises his eyebrow at me, nudging me to answer his question. I'm amazed how strong my voice is when I do. "Believe it or not, but we all have our moments of stupidity once in a while." He frowns. Apparently he thinks that he, Mr Brian Kinney, doesn't do stupid, ever. Yeah, right. But I know better than to comment on that. Wouldn't do to cause a queen-out. So I just go on. "When I woke this morning," and I won't tell him where that was, not that it matters anymore. It seems ages away from where I am right now. "When I woke, I thought we were over, Brian. And I thought it would be best if I just grabbed my stuff and left." I see a flicker of fear in his eyes and I know he's thinking the same as me – we could have lost all this, could have lost our love. It was a narrow escape, but escape we did, together. Always together. 'Gee, Taylor. Getting mushy, aren't we?'   
  
He leans in and kisses my lips, gently caressing my cheek as if he wants to convince himself that I'm really here, that he's not dreaming. He would never admit it of course, arrogant asshole that he is, but as I always told him ... I'm onto him. Except that I wasn't for the best part of the last couple of months. But I don't want to dwell on that just now. He's still waiting for an answer. "So I grabbed my stuff this morning, and put the keys into your mailbox." Then I have to grin, cause things took a decidedly odd turn then. "Remember that Mikey went after me when I put out the garbage?" He nods, and I can see that he's close to panicking cause he now knows that he almost... "It was really strange. I thought Mikey would rip me a new one, but instead... He talked to me, Brian, like a real friend. And he made me realise what a little fucker I was during the past weeks and months. Not just because of Ethan, but also the rules and all of that shit..."   
  
I don't want to go into that just yet. It would be too much in too short a time and he might bolt. So I just brush all of that aside, and finish by saying, "So, to make a long story short, he gave me his keys and told me to make sure you didn't throw me out before I had said my piece. Then I called Ethan, and told him that I..." How to tell Brian without using that _L_ -word he's so terrified of? "That I'd only make him miserable in the long run cause he's just not what I really want." To lighten the mood, I add, "He's just no arrogant and insensitive asshole." My eyes are twinkling, and I know that he can tell I don't really think that of him. "Then I picked up my stuff at Daph's again, and came back _home_." His breath hitches at that last word. Got you there, didn't I, Bri?   
  
He draws me closer, holding me tightly, and I can hear him whispering against my ear. "This is your home as long as you want it to be." Rotten allergies are once again kicking in, and all I can do is just hold on to him. He still wants me here! I haven't fucked up! Or maybe I have, but it was necessary for us. Cause otherwise... I don't even want to think about that half-life we've been leading. Starting on the day he all but told me that he loved me, and I had to set up those fucking rules. And he just said it again, but this time I won't blow it by forcing something on him that we don't really need. After all, if I don't trust him...   
  
Naturally something's got to destroy this lovely emotional moment. But for a change it isn't him, but my rumbling stomach. Suddenly there's a shark-like grin on his face, and he drawls, "My, my, Mr Taylor. Did we swallow a lion? Sounds like it wants to be fed..." He leaves my side, and for a second I bemoan the loss of his body heat. But the sight of him padding up the stairs, then turning and beckoning me to follow him ... that just takes my breath away. So I jump up and follow him into the bathroom, hoping that my tummy will survive a few more moments, or maybe hours, without nutrition.   
  
\---   
  
Brian   
  
As I rip open the condom pack, I'm reminded of the last time we shared a shower. It's only a few days since then, but it feels like it's happened years ago. Back then I could feel him slip from my grasp and out of reach with every passing day, and I tried, I really tried to make him see that I cared about him, more than I ever have about anyone else. Alright, that I fucking _loved_ him. I'm wondering if my saying those three famous words – and no, I'm not talking about _nine inches cut_ here – in those last days would have changed anything. I doubt it. He was so sure that I didn't give a damn about him that nothing would have penetrated his mind, not even those words.   
  
I can't believe how different things are now. I think he truly knows how much he means to me now, and I'm really curious what Mikey told him. I believe he can really read me now, like he did before everything went to hell, and he had his innocence ripped from him, and nearly his life as well by that fucking loony Hobbs. He's reaching for my hand as I push into his tight ass, and his head comes to rest against my shoulder and he moans my name. "Oh, Brian." Fuck, it's so different now, so new and yet so familiar. Cause we were at this point before. Yeah, before the both of us turned a blind eye and it all imploded on us.   
  
I draw out, and push back in and I know I've hit his prostate from the groan that escapes his perfectly shaped lips. Wrapping my arms around him, I draw him closer yet, unwilling to let him go. Okay, that means I can't move so easily anymore, but that's a small price to pay for the feel of him against me. I roll my hips, my hand sneaking to his cock, fingers going around his straining flesh. I repeat the movement, and can feel him shudder under my hands. I stroke him while delivering some short pushes into his willing body, and then suddenly he erupts all over my fingers, and it's so hot to see him lose it like that, and I can do nothing but follow him with a few more thrusts.   
  
"Justin..." I whisper, and I wish for a second or two that I could tell him. Not because he needs to hear it, but because I want to say it. But then I hear Jack laughing at me, and I just can't get the words past my lips. However, when he turns his head and smiles at me, I know that he knows. It's okay, better than okay really. And I'm getting so lesbian that it's not even funny anymore. I pull out, and we both sigh at the loss. But then I turn him to face me, and gently kiss his lips, and it's alright again. Until his stomach growls once more, and we both crack up.   
  
I push him out of the stall and quickly dry him off. Then I tell him to get his fucking food ready in five minutes cause else I'd have to call one of the deliveries. I think he's considering stalling his dinner just to get me to eat fucking pizza again. But no, he takes pity on me, or perhaps that monster he's harbouring in his tummy, and grabs a pair of jeans and makes his way down the steps to the kitchen. While he busies himself with that stuff he calls food, I move to the wardrobe and have to smile. His things are back where they belong, even that sweater... But why is it lying with my things now? Then I hear him from the kitchen, "It's got your drool all over it, so I don't want it anymore." The little shit. He really sees right through me. Then why the fuck am I not running or freaking out? I grab a pair of sweats and a shirt, and make my way to the kitchen area. He just gives me a Sunshine smile, and my heart skips a beat. No, I can't be mad at him when he looks at me like that. I'll just have to be more careful when I want to drool over his stuff next time.   
  
He's put out two bowls and chopsticks, and I start to set the table when I remember... Well, it won't be too out of character if we eat this on the ground, more or less at least. So instead of putting everything on the dining table, I move one of the side tables towards the kitchen and grab two cushions for us to sit on, or kneel on – whatever. He's so immersed in his dinner preparations that he only realises what I've been up to when everything's set, even with a fucking candle, and I'm still wondering what made me do that. He smiles, but keeps quiet as if he thinks I might break if he mentions anything about this being fucking romantic. Little shit. But if he needs this to be happy, I might as well try to give it to him, cause I sure as hell don't want to go back to that life in limbo again.   
  
I'm only hoping that he'll be able to keep from calling all of this by its fucking name. Yeah, I know. It is _ridiculously romantic_ , but it's not like it would be the first time I did something like this. Only that he can't remember the first time. I want to go out and punch that fucking loser Hobbs for taking this away from Justin, and from me! I don't know what would have happened after that night if we hadn't all ended up in hospital. Maybe I'd have bolted again, who knows. But maybe, just maybe, we would have gotten here, to this point, a long time ago. Yeah, and by now we'd be picking curtains – fucking not going to happen! If the Munchers need this rotten stuff, fine. But I'm not that much of a dyke – yet. Fuck!   
  
He puts the food on the table, and drops down on one of the cushions, putting about a ton into his bowl. I follow suit, sort of, and he raises his eyebrow when I'm just taking one spoonful of rice. Little fucker. It's after seven for crying out loud. But okay. I take another spoon – just for him. Then he eyes me nervously, and I know he's worried that I might not like what he threw together. I make a show of picking up just a tiny bit of meat with my chopsticks, looking at it disdainfully, and then putting it into my mouth. Shit, but it tastes good. But it wouldn't do to tell him, so I just nod and smirk, "It's alright." And I'm reminded of another night, ages ago, when he lived here for the first time. And I remember the night before...   
  
What the fuck had I been thinking? Hell, I know what I'd been thinking back then, and it scares me shitless. If I did that now, and succeeded, I'm sure I wouldn't be able to live with the consequences. I had been too close just last night. So I swallow, and then search and find his gaze. He looks worried, afraid of what I might say now. And I have to smile at that, one of those smiles only two people ever get to see, him and Gus. And then I tell him, "There'll be no more tricks here, or anywhere else if you're around." Fuck, this sounds so, so... I just have to add something that's more like Brian Fucking Kinney. "After all, why would I go for something less if the best is within reach." I wink, and he just smiles, and I know he's onto me. But that's ok, as long as he doesn't rub my nose in it.   
  
\---   
  
Justin   
  
I can't believe he said that. Because it means that this here, the loft - it will be just for the two of us. _Our_ home. For once I can fend off the allergy attack and just smile. It's so unlike him to give me something like that, to promise something this big. Cause it is a promise, and I know that Brian never breaks a promise. I know, it doesn't mean that he'll stop tricking, and the truth is that I don't really want him to anymore, cause it's just a part of him. But I know that after that near disaster with Ethan, my tricking days are drawing to an end. Maybe once in a while, yes. I'm still a gay man after all, and as Mikey once told me we think of sex every, ehm, was it nine seconds? But if you're Brian Kinney, you're lucky if you have a moment's peace...   
  
We both dig in after that, and for a while everything is quiet and peaceful really. Then, of course, the phone rings. My phone rings. At first I'm afraid that it's Ethan, but then... "Hey, I just wanted to check if everything is going alright." It's Mikey, and I have to chuckle. I should have known that he'd make sure things were fine some time tonight. Brian gives me a questioning look and I mouth, "Mikey". He smirks, and turns back to his food. I can't believe how much rice he's already eaten despite his no-carbs-after-seven rule.   
  
"Everything's just fine, Mikey. I guess you were right after all." He laughs, and I can't help it but join in. Eventually, I manage to say, "Thank you. If it hadn't been for you... I don't even want to think about it really." Only belatedly I realise that Brian's still in the same room, and that he can hear every word I'm saying. Shit. But he's just grinning into his bowl, and I breathe a relieved sigh. "But now I've to go, Mikey. And I think you have to take care of someone as well. I'll come by the store tomorrow – to return the keys and discuss the new issue."   
  
He surprises me when he tells me to keep the keys, cause he thinks it'll be enough if _I_ watch out for Brian. "After all, it's your home, and I don't think you want me barging in on you when you're in the middle of something..." He's right of course. But still... "And I'm looking forward to the new issue ... I've had lots of people ask about it already." Then he hangs up, and I stand there dumbstruck. And then I jump out of my skin cause Brian's suddenly all over me, drawing me into his arms, and kissing me breathless.   
  
"Should I be jealous? I mean, Mikey's calling you and everything..." He's so gonna pay for this. Dropping the cell on the counter, I attack his sides and he pushes himself away, glaring at me. "Ever heard that you should respect your elders, huh?" I shrug, then shake my head. I love it when he's in such a mood. It's almost as if his childhood hadn't been ripped away from him, and he can open up like the rest of us. He comes closer again, and ruffles my hair. "What should I do with you?" Oh, I can think of a few things, Mr Kinney...   
  
I'm about to introduce him to one or two of my ideas when that fucking phone goes off again and I just snatch it and snap, "What else do you want, Mikey?" I mean, sure, I fucking owe him now. But that doesn't mean that I have to be at his beck and call 24/7, does it? Then I realise that it's not Michael this time round...   
  
"I think we should talk about that phone call, Justin. Why don't you just come over and we'll, you know..." Yes, I know. I know, Ethan and I don't want it. Not anymore. Actually, I'm doubting that I ever really wanted it. I have tried to make it easier for him this morning, so I didn't mention Brian or my intention of winning him back. Now however...   
  
"No, Ethan. I don't think that's a good idea. I'm with Brian and we were just having dinner..." I feel Brian tense up next to me when I say Ethan's name, and I reach for his hand, holding it tightly. He has to know that I want him, and that no matter what Ethan offers now, it won't change my feeling one bit.   
  
"How could you go back to him after he treated you so badly last night?" He's getting angry, and after all the shit I've told him about how terrible Brian was to me, I can't take offence, can I? I've made Bri out to be a monster, and I just want the ground to open and swallow me about now. But I have to tell him something, don't I?   
  
I want him to understand, cause I know that if Ethan really loves me he'll want me to be happy, even if it's not with him ... just like Bri. "Ethan, we were wrong. Shit, _I_ was wrong about so many things. I realised something after I left you this morning..." Now Brian breaks away, and I'm so scared that he'll be out of the door in a moment. But he must see that in my eyes and just shakes his head. He pushes me towards the sofa while he starts to clear away the remains of dinner. I wish there was a way to make it up to him right now, but first I've to handle the Ethan-matter. So I try to remember what I was about to say... "I realised that despite it all, I still loved him. And what's more, that he feels the same." I gaze at Brian and he just stares at me. Then, he gives a very short and curt nod, and I feel my heart swell and the allergies... Fuck, yeah – I'm starting to cry because he didn't freak out just now but gave me something I'll treasure forever. And all he did was fucking nod!   
  
"What the fuck did he say to make you believe that all of a sudden? Justin, he's using you. You're just the fuck he keeps around for times when he doesn't want to go out looking..." That does it! I really had enough of his shit.   
  
"Shut up, Ethan. He's fucking _not_ using me, he never has. And _he_ didn't say anything! He doesn't have to say anything. I finally managed to really _see_ the things for what they truly are, and I have to say that I really sucked these past few weeks. And he's willing to forgive me for that! You know what that means? That he's much braver than I ever was!" I slam my cell shut, but have to open it again to block any calls from one Ethan Gold. I know that I can't blame him for something I did, but he's gone too far.   
  
I'm so fucking angry – with him and with myself for allowing things to get to this point. And then Brian's arms are around me, and I'm so fucking relieved that he's still here, despite the things he heard just now. And I wish I could tell him. But maybe I can... "Thank you," I whisper, and he's pulling me closer. I know that he understood.   
  
\---   
  
Brian   
  
At first, I want to run. Away from him and all the shit that he makes me feel. I mean, I knew where he was last night. But to hear it from his lips. It was just... But I can't do that to him. All our problems only got so big because I kept pushing him away, or somewhere he didn't want to be. So I'm just... I'm pushing him over to the sofa, and start to put away the rest of the food – maybe we can have it tomorrow, or he'll have one of his midnight snacks. Then I hear it. And I just stare at him. He told that fiddler that I fucking love him, now what should I do? And suddenly I feel myself nod at him, just briefly, but it's enough. Fuck, it has to be enough.   
  
I try not to listen to him, but then he starts yelling, and Justin never yells, or hardly ever. And when he does, he yells at me. Or maybe I just think that he should yell at me. Anyway, he slams his poor cell shut, and I simply know that he needs me. He _needs_ me. Wasn't that something I ran from so far? I didn't want anyone to need me, cause I didn't want to need anyone either. With him, however, it seems to be okay. With him a great many things seem to be okay. So I just walk over and draw him close. And then he thanks me, and I'm having to fight to keep up some sort of composure.   
  
And I so want to get out of here, find that fucking fiddler and beat the shit out of him for doing this to Justin, and to our lovely evening. But somehow I think that Justin needed this, this little show-down with Ethan. I just hope _Ian_ got the message and will leave us alone from now on.   
  
We're just about to get comfortable on the sofa when the fucking phone rings, and we both hold our breath as the machine takes the call. Thank God it's only Linz. I walk over and pick up the receiver. "I was wondering what happened to our invitation..." I swear I can hear how her jaw drops. I push my tongue into my cheek and grin at Justin who just shakes his head and tells me how bad I am. Like I didn't know that before. I put the call on the speakers without even thinking about it, so that he can also hear what Linz has to say.   
  
Finally she's collected herself enough to respond, "You mean, you and Justin are still..." I chuckle. I really can't put anything past her.   
  
"Not still – again. We decided that we should, you know, start over. Actually, he decided and bribed me with sex and food." Someone's having a coughing fit, and I just smirk. Poor Mel. Well, you shouldn't listen to other people's conversations. On the sofa, Justin's proving what I've known for ages – that he's completely cracked. Well, only one insane would stick with me for so long. Anyway, now he's laughing his ass off, and I surely hope that some of it will remain, cause I've plans for it.   
  
Then it's Linz again, admonishing me, "Be nice, Brian." Yeah, like I'm ever _nice_. I shudder. What a thought. "But I'm so happy for you, Mel as well." Right, I can just see how happy dearest Melanie is. "As for the invitation, Michael told me to give it to him. Said that he was going to take care of that, whatever that means..." Mikey, Mikey. I'm so going to have a chat with him. "I'm really happy for you, Bri. And for Justin. Tell him we said 'hello', yes? And that we'll see him this weekend. But Brian..." What now? "Don't give Gus tons of chocolate before dinner again, ok? He's to eat something healthy..." I smile, and before I can say anything else, she hangs up.   
  
So this is my family: a lover, who apparently has to be committed; a son I can't dote upon as I see fit; my son's meddling mother, who won't let me spoil our son rotten; and not to forget my dearest best friend, whom I'm so going to tell to get lost, well, or maybe I'll just get down on my knees an thank him for bringing Justin back to me. Fuck. I'm such a dyke.


	3. Chapter 3 - Return to Reality

Justin   
  
I'm waking up before the alarm goes off, and for a second I'm fucking terrified because I think last night was nothing but a dream and I'm still with Ethan. Well, at least I'd know what to do. I grin cause the arms that are loosely wrapped around me aren't Ethan's. And then I turn and come face to face with the man I'd almost left yesterday. So stupid. Bri's still asleep. Yeah, I guess he needs his beauty sleep after last night. We celebrated my return to sanity about five times after dinner - no wonder my poor butt is complaining. But it was worth it.   
  
My bladder calls for attention, and I extricate myself from Brian's embrace and pad over to the bathroom. Having seen to my bodily needs, I return and quietly open the wardrobe and have to grin. That sweater... In the morning when grabbing all my stuff, I hadn't realised it, but when I returned later, and saner, I saw the drool. And I knew that I certainly haven't drooled on my own sweater. His? – yes. Mine? – fuck no. So I knew what he'd been up to last night. It almost broke my heart because it shows me how much he cares about me, how much he fucking needs me around, even though he'd deny it forever. Fuck, fuck, fuck. So I'd placed the sweater with his. And of course I couldn't keep my mouth shut about it when Brian found it.   
  
I chuckle to myself while grabbing some cargo pants and a T-shirt. This is it, this is where I belong. And this time I'll stick to him like glue, no matter what shit he sends my way. Cause I know how hard this is for him, how hard the Rage party was for him. Damn, that's one of the things we still have to talk about. I've to get this stupid notion that he's not good enough for me out of his head. He's not the fucking cripple he thinks he is. I wasn't lying last night when I told Ethan that Bri was braver than I could ever be. Sure, I got bashed in the head and nearly died. But compared to his lovely family that was a walk in the park. And still he tried, let me see past the Brian Fucking Kinney persona he's perfected to protect himself. I got to see the real Brian, and fuck it, my allergies are back again.   
  
I walk down the steps and search for my cell. It's on the floor next to the sofa. Seems like a miracle that we didn't step on it. It blinks, telling me that I've two new messages. At least they can't be from Ethan, cause I blocked his calls. I know that chapter isn't closed yet, but I just can't deal with him right now. First, Brian and I have to work through a couple of things. Snapping the phone open, I've to grin. I should have known. The messages are from Daph and Mom.   
  
Daphne just tells me how happy she is for me, and that I should hold onto Brian from now on. When I went back to pick up my stuff at her flat, I left her a little note telling her what an idiot I had been and that I'd go back to Bri to tell him just that. So there's no need for her to tell me that I was a fool, and she's just really glad that I've come around. No 'I told you so' or stuff like that. I guess I really have to give her a huge hug next time I see her. And tell her of my surreal chat with Mikey. She also asks if we could meet for lunch today, she'll come over to the diner and we can _talk_. Every time she says that I'm scared shitless, and today is no exception. But she's my best friend, and yes, we need to talk. Cause there are some things that went wrong between the two of us as well.   
  
Now Mom's message surprises me. Either she's suddenly a telepath, or _someone_ couldn't keep their mouth shut. Debbie, Debbie... I shake my head. Brian's _surrogate mother_ always had to get involved in everything, not being able to stay out of things for once. And don't we all love her for that? Yeah, I admit that I also loved her for always hitting Mikey, but that's over now. Cause Mikey really proved his worth yesterday. Anyway, Mom says that she's really happy for me, even though I'm back with the big bad wolf. I've to smirk cause I love big bad Brian. Big bad possessive Brian. He was that way last night as if he needed to convince both of us that I'm still his. As if there was even the slightest of doubts about that. She says she's happy for the two of us. _Us_. Like she really accepts Brian as my ... and I start to giggle at that thought ... _better half_. He'd be so pissed if he could read my thoughts just now. Mom asks if we could maybe come to her condo on the weekend, and I'm wondering how to break the news to Bri that we now have two social engagements. He will be so _not_ pleased.   
  
I look at my watch, and it's shortly before seven a.m., so Mom should be awake already getting the _Mollusc_ ready for school. So I ring her and she's so happy to hear my voice and stuff. Gee, I didn't resurface after ages away, or maybe I did. I finally cut her off and say, "I'm just calling to tell you that Brian and I would love to come over some time. What do you say to Saturday?" Cause Sunday we'll be at the Munchers. And mum tells me alright, and again how happy she is and all this shit. Women!   
  
Eventually I manage to tell her goodbye and hang up. And I didn't hear Brian approaching and now I'm so not squeaking when he drawls, "So we are meeting the mother-in-law on Saturday?"   
  
\---   
  
Brian   
  
At first I was pissed of course. I'd woken to the sound of his voice, apparently talking to Jen. Great, just great. That couldn't wait five more minutes, could it? Cause then the alarm would have gone off anyway. But the real reason why I'm miffed, the one that I hardly admit to myself, is that I'm worried that she'll tell him what a huge mistake he's making by coming back to me. That he'd be better off without me. And then I hear the little shit tell her that we would _love_ to visit on Saturday. Fucker! I get up and walk quietly down the steps. He's completely focussed on his call, and doesn't realise that I'm standing right behind him. So I know that I'll scare him shitless when I ask casually, "So we are meeting the mother-in-law on Saturday?" as soon as he hangs up.   
  
I swear he was squeaking like a guinea pig. How _cute_. "B...Brian!" His eyes are as big as saucers, and I give him my tongue-in-cheek grin that always turns him into a single-minded creature of carnal pleasures. And I'm proven right when under my gaze his eyes are darkening until they are almost black. I reach for him and he comes to me and ... the fucking alarm goes off. Why haven't I switched it off. Shit. That sound is such a killer, or maybe not. Cause he just laughs and drags me back to the bed, or so I think. "Why don't you start the shower already? And I'll join you in a sec." The little shit!   
  
So I'm doing as he's told me, like the lovesick fool that I've become around him. I just hope he hasn't realised that yet. Cause the moment he does... Fuck. I actually catch myself waiting for him in the fucking shower, and how pathetic is that? Finally he's there, his arms wrapped around my waist, and he tries to steal my breath away – in a very literal sense. That look in his eyes tells me that he's hurting just a little, and fuck, that doesn't surprise me in the least. I mean, seven times in one day is a lot, even for us. So the question is do I just bring him off one way or another, or... I know he needs it, and once again I'm thinking lesbian thoughts, and push them away forcefully. I'm not saying a thing, just turn around – though not before kissing him again for good measure – and brace myself against the wall.   
  
And he sighs softly, and I wonder if he is fighting the tears yet again. But I guess even that is okay currently. Things have been decidedly strange lately and we're only getting back on track. I feel his body behind me, mere inches away from my heated skin. His kissing my neck while spreading my cheeks. And then he begins to prepare me, and I just have to push back on his fingers because I want him in me – _now_. The little shit chuckles at my eagerness, and I just want to slap him over the head. "Get on with it," I demand, and he kisses my neck again and then... I never thought that the sound of a condom pack being torn open could be so fucking great. Then he's suddenly inside of me, and all I can do is hold on for dear life. Shit, when did he get so good at this? 'No, no, fucking _no_. Don't even think about that, Kinney. He's here with you now. And the fucking fiddler is history.'   
  
He's fucking me in earnest now, hard and fast, pumping my cock on each of his strokes. But I know that for him even this isn't just a _fuck_. I know that he's still holding on to this romantic concept of us making fucking _love_. And maybe, just maybe he's right. Suddenly he's practically stabbing my prostate and I lose it, coming over his fingers. The contractions in my ass drive him over the edge as well, and he slumps against me, my nose coming in closer contact with the wall than I'd ever have wanted. "Shit!" And he draws back immediately, starting to apologise and fucking mothers me. Fuck, it's not broken, it just hurts like hell, and my eyes are welling.   
  
And he's still on about that as we have breakfast – well, he is having cereals and I have my coffee. I just want to hit him real hard cause he's starting to annoy me. "Justin, shut up. Okay? I'm still alive, my fucking nose is still alive. I'd just prefer it if you were a little more cautious next time." His eyes widen and I know I got him now. Yeah, you heard that correctly. There will be a repeat of our shower scene, maybe on the bed this time, for safety reasons. After all, the little fucker must be sore as hell, and I don't want to go without a fuck. Least of all tonight. Cause I still have to get it into my head that he's still here. Or again – whatever. He smiles once more, and damn, I think he shines brighter than the sun outside. I'm such a dyke at heart – fuck!   
  
\---   
  
Justin   
  
After that near catastrophe in the shower I'd never have thought that he'd ever allow me to top him again. But then he says that stuff about 'next time', and I have to fight against that urge to throw my arms around him. Instead I just smile and he seems to like that very much cause he smiles back, one of _those_ smiles.   
  
It's still early, so he decides to take me to the diner. Yeah, he so wants to show the whole gang that we're truly together again and all that shit. Of course he'd never admit it, cause Brian Fucking Kinney doesn't care what other people think about him or his way of life. Only that I know that he does care. So I know what he's really saying when he mutters, "I think I'll need another coffee cause for some reason I didn't get enough sleep last night." He winks at me, and I grin back. I'm so on to him.   
  
As we get into the jeep, he tells me that he was thinking about selling it to get a 'Vette. But he won't do it now, because he doesn't need a car to show off. That means in Kinney-speech that he's showing off with me. That he thinks everyone will envy him because of me. Shit. And then he tells me that he's thinking about getting a new car anyway, cause now that Gus is big enough to go for a ride the jeep just won't do. "And anyway, it's rotten that you have to cart your art stuff around on the bus anyway." Finally it hits me that he's talking about getting _another_ car, not a replacement for the jeep. A car that I can have at my disposal, and that is so fucking _not_ going to happen. I start shaking my head vigorously, but he just grins. "It's for Gus' safety, and it would be a waste if it just sat in the garage most of the time."   
  
I'm telling him that I'm not going to accept anything like that, and he grins and tells me that I'll have to pay half of the price as soon as I get some money out of Rage again. Right. I just know that he will find a way of going back on his word when the time comes, but for now I think I might be able to live with that arrangement. So I simply say that I'll think about it, and luckily we reach the diner at that moment. As we enter, he somehow manages to wrap his arm around me, and I have to grin. Very subtle, Mr Kinney. I'm wondering why he didn't just tattoo it on my forehead – Property of Brian Kinney, hands off. Shit, he'd have such a queen-out if I told him that.   
  
Emmett is the first to see us, and he's bouncing up and down. "Oh sweetie! I'm so happy for you. Mikey just told us." He tries to hug me, but Brian glares at him so he only pats my cheek once. Then the rest of the gang's all over us, and somehow Brian doesn't have a hissy fit or something like that. He endures, for my sake. I know that he'll so make me pay for this, but I'm too happy right now to care.   
  
At some point, Mikey manages to drop an envelope into Bri's hand and he raises his eyebrow and turns towards Mel and Linz, "About bloody time." That's all he says and even though he's looking at the Munchers, I'm wondering who he's talking to. Cause it was also about bloody time that I came to my senses. Anyway, Mel still looks kinda sick. Apparently she's not quite over _that_ remark. Not that Brian wasn't right. I _did_ bribe him. And it was worth it. Eventually they all have to leave, and Linz tells me that I have to come over some time this week cause she might be able to convince one of the gallery owners she knows to add some of my pieces to that new show he's planning. Somehow I know that Brian is grinning like the Cheshire Cat cause he's so fucking proud of me.   
  
Hell, even Ted seems happy for us, well, in that 'Ted-way' of his. Emmett's still bouncing, and Mel just hugs me real tight and tells me to watch out for myself cause you never knew with Brian. I tell Mikey that I'll come over right after lunch, and he nods and fucking hugs me as well, and Brian's eyebrow is almost disappearing into his hairline. Then it's just the two of us, and he kisses me and bumps his forehead into mine and whispers, "Later." And somehow I know I've heard it before, heard him say it in this way before, but I just can't place it. I'll have to ask him about it this evening.   
  
So everything is just fine as I start my shift. I get some really good tips today, and Deb just grins at me and says, "Well, don't forget to share, Sunshine." Like I would. I owe her for this job and a lot of other things that I don't want to think of just now.   
  
My back is to the door when it opens and I turn to see... Fuck! What does he want now. He walks right up to me, eyes sending off angry sparks. "What the fuck did you think you were doing just hanging up on me last night? And blocking my calls?" Someone's really pissed here, and for once, it's not Brian.   
  
"Ethan, there wasn't anything we needed to talk about anymore. You made your position very clear. And I refuse to listen to your little story of 'Evil Brian and Poor Little Justin' any longer. This whole mess was mostly my fault, not his!" Debbie retreats, for once not getting involved, and I could hug and kiss her for it. "A friend talked to me yesterday, and I finally realised what I was doing! Cause I was pushing him away, not the other way around."   
  
I can see that he's changing his strategy cause suddenly he whispers softly, "He can't give you what you need, Justin. I can, you know I can. Cause I love you..." I have to close my eyes for a second cause it really startles me that those words trigger no reaction whatsoever within me. My, was I deluding myself.   
  
"Ethan, believe it or not, he loves me as well. And I love him. I loved him since that first night." Maybe I can make him understand after all. At least I can try. "What he did at the party... He did it because he wants me to be happy, even if that means he has to let me go." He frowns, but I keep going, "I guess I'll never fully comprehend how much that cost him. To set everything up so that I could blame it all on him. And before, when he'd never do the things you gave me so readily... I was just unable to read between the lines. Cause then I would have understood. Would have seen that he was really trying to show me that he loved me." And somehow Brian's attempts at showing me mean so much more than Ethan's constants proclamations of love.   
  
"So he lulled you into giving him another chance, yes? That's total shit, Justin. He's never going to give you what you deserve. What we could have. What we had only 24 hours ago." I want to bump my head into the counter. Is it really so hard to understand?   
  
"He's giving _me_ another chance. _Us_. And for your information, Ethan, he's giving me more than I could ever ask for. He's really trying to open up, and I finally see that now. I'm not going to give up on that. Ever." Maybe he'll get it after a while. Ethan is a compassionate man after all. He should understand.   
  
But no, he starts again, but this time Debbie's there. "Didn't you get it that Sunshine ended the conversation? Now, either order something, or get the fuck out of here." Ethan does, but not without looking at me again, and there's something in his eyes that scares me. He's so fucking angry... Deb's arms are around me then, and I'm so glad that the diner is almost empty. "It's ok, Sunshine. We all have different ways of handling these things." Then Debbie being Debbie, "Now get the fuck back to work or I'll have to fire you." I smile at her and I know that she doesn't need to hear a 'thank you' from me. Cause somehow I managed to make her biggest wish come true by sticking with Brian. And this is her way of thanking me for it.   
  
Shortly after that, Daph waltzes in, that big smile of hers plastered all over her face, and she hugs me in a way that makes me wonder if she has taken lessons with Debbie. And with Linz cause she says, "You are so full of shit, Taylor. But I so glad that you came around at long last." Gods, I love her so fucking much. She's there for me no matter what a cock-up I land myself in, and doesn't gloat once I realise what a fucker I am ... at least not much. And she really likes Brian, sometimes I'm wondering how much. But Brian's mine, and even though I love her and don't mind sharing stuff with her, I won't share Brian. Not going to happen.   
  
So we just talk about this and that, and when I mention the stuff Linz said this morning, she's slapping me on the back and tells me that she'd always known that I could do it. Then why the fuck didn't she tell me when I was doubting myself, huh? Great friend.   
  
\---   
  
Brian   
  
Those fucking idiots in the Arts Department really can't get anything right, can they. Shit. I'll have to talk to Gardner about getting someone to work part-time or maybe a student intern. Hang on. Doesn't Justin need some practical experience as a part of his degree? He mentioned something like that at some point while we were in limbo-land. Maybe I could give him a little nudge cause with him down there, things might get done right by the third time and not the sixth. The current situation is really and truly driving me nuts. I slam the boards I've been looking at on my desk cause they are just shitty. I think I'll have to strangle someone.   
  
Well, true. I wish I could strangle someone, but that's nothing to do with the boards. And it's everything to do with the phone call I received about an hour ago. For once I could kiss Debbie for her meddling cause I know that the little shit who calls himself my lover, boyfriend, partner – whatever – _never_ would have told me. Apparently he had a visitor at the diner, and no, I'm not talking about Daphne. I mean, sure, I understand that the fiddler doesn't want to lose Justin. I feel just the same way. 'Watch it, Kinney. If you keep on thinking such lesbian thoughts, your dick might fall off. And that would be very sad indeed cause your little Sunshine seems to have grown quite attached to it.'   
  
Anyway, he doesn't want to lose Justin. Okay, fine. Can live with that. I mean, I guess it was to be expected, right? I don't know yet how long the whole thing went, but I'm sure Justin will tell me eventually. Cause he thinks we need to get everything out in the open and some such rot. No, that's not the problem. But that he can't leave Justin alone is fucking unacceptable. Why Justin's even trying is beyond me, it must be one of those Justin-things.   
  
So dearest _Ian_ came by the diner and made a scene ... like the drama queen I knew he was when I saw him at the Rage party. He just gave me the creeps, and not just because he was walking away with Justin. Debbie told me that it got really nasty – "You know, he got really mad at Sunshine. Thought you'd brainwashed him or somethin'." Like I'd stoop so low. No. I just opened a few scars for him to poke some rusty instruments in. That's all. "And he just won't accept that Justin chose you over him. That Sunshine loves you, for whatever reason..."   
  
I wish I knew how to help Justin there. Cause this is getting to him, I know it. He might have been using that fucking fiddler – subconsciously of course. But somehow he cares about him. Maybe thought they could wind up being friends. Sorry to break it to you, Sunshine, but the world doesn't work that way. The fiddler didn't want you to be his friend, he wanted you to be his lover. And he's not going to accept anything less. Yeah, I know that, but I also know that Justin's still going to keep trying. Cause he cares about people. Fuck.   
  
I will have to find a way to take his mind off things tonight. Maybe we could go to Babylon and shock the world with a little show – Brian Kinney going down on someone. I don't think I ever did in public, or semi-public. I've always been the aggressor, had to be the one in charge. But I think it's okay to let go of my precious control once in a while for Justin. For my fucking partner. I'm so glad that he's still with me, and I am going to show him tonight, even if it kills me.   
  
This morning when I came to the office, Cyn was asking if I was sick or something – cause I was smiling. Damn it. Does everyone really see me as some unfeeling machine? I guess I'll have to teach them that I'm human just like they are, at times at least. I grab the phone and tell Cyn to ask Gardner if he could come over so we can discuss the situation down below. The fucking boards need to be done by Friday, and I will not stay the night to see that the idiots downstairs get them right. Not when Justin's waiting for me at home. I have to tell him that he might want to try to get an internship at Vanguard, and no, not because I want him around me all of the time, but because I know he's good. Very good. And because I can't stand this fucking incompetence anymore. And then, we'll talk. I sigh, but I know it has to be done. So maybe our show at Babylon will have to be rescheduled after all. But this talking-shit is more important. Cause he's more important. The little shit.


	4. Chapter 4 - Healing

Brian   
  
It's almost eight when I stumble back into the loft. All I want now is something to fill that empty pit, formerly known as my stomach; and Justin. I'm too tired to even notice how lesbian a thought this is. All I know is that I'll feel better as soon as I feel his arms around me and he smiles at me. Naturally, I don't get what I need cause the little shit isn't home. For a moment I panic, wondering if last night was just a dream, but then I remember his fucking evening class. So it will be an hour yet before he gets here. An hour until I can tell him to get his stuff together and apply for an internship.   
  
Gardner was fucking relieved when I told him about my idea cause he had also noticed how fucked up things were down in Arts. And when I said that I might know someone who could start pretty much immediately, I swear he almost hugged me. Now, how to break it to Justin without giving him the impression that I either want to run his life, or want him with me constantly. I'm not sure which would be worse, but I do know that neither is true. 'Yeah, go on fooling yourself, Kinney.'   
  
It's just that he needs the practical experience, and we need help, _desperately_. Those boards still weren't done properly when I left, and I fear that there will be bloodshed soon. Those fuckers need someone like Justin around, someone with a fucking brain! Okay, so maybe I also want to have him near me, especially now, but that's beside the point. Anyway, it will show him that I don't mind having him around, that I won't push him away anymore, or at least that I'll try not to. Cause I can't make any promises. I'm still _Brian Fucking Kinney_ , and I don't react very nicely to any changes in my life. But maybe ... for him...   
  
I shake my head to dispel those thoughts and walk over to the machine. Two new messages. The first is from Jen – for _me_. She tells me that she's really happy – we seem to have a theme here, boys and girls – and that I should hold on to Justin. Yeah, like I need her to tell me that. But that's Jennifer, my fucking _mother-in-law_ , and I know she only means well. The second is for Justin, from Mikey. He has this great idea and... Here we go again. I swear if I didn't know that Mikey is completely smitten with the professor I'd start to worry. As it is I'm just fucking grateful that my best friend has finally come around. It's still spooky though, and if I feel this way, I'm wondering just how confused my little Sunshine is.   
  
Anyway, with nothing to do but wait, I grab a shower and prepare yesterday's leftovers for the microwave. Fuck, I'm turning domestic and I can just feel my dick go soft – I mean _real_ soft. I think I'll make that little asshole do something about that since it's his fault after all.   
  
I'm just on my way to the sofa to watch the news or something when everything – the past few days that is – comes crashing down on me, almost sending me to my knees. Fuck! I had really lost him, even before the Rage party. That night when he came home – came back from _him_ – and he stood at the foot of the bed as if wondering whether he was still welcome. Now I know that I lost him that very night cause I didn't listen to my heart that was screaming at me to tell him – anything really. That I was proud of him, how I was looking forward to celebrating Rage _with_ him... But instead I just held him and felt it all come undone at the seams. I never slept that night. As soon as he was asleep, I started crying like I had done that night almost a year ago. There were no sobs that could have woken Justin, just quiet tears that wouldn't stop. It was in that night that I first really admitted it to myself. Yes, I loved Justin, more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I think, I even whispered those famous three words at some point. But they fell on deaf ears. As always, my epiphany had come too late ... well, at least I thought so while clinging to my sleeping lover.   
  
Then the night of the Rage party... There were daggers piercing my heart when I saw Justin with _Ian_. And I knew that I had to end it, on my own terms. Cause I simply couldn't stand the pain any longer. So I severed those last ties, tearing out my fucking heart in the process. But it didn't matter since I was sure I wouldn't be needing it anymore. That night, Justin's sweater kept me grounded while that black hole in my chest tried to suck me in. The morning after, yesterday morning, I felt so empty. Even my Brian Fucking Kinney mask kept sliding from my face as soon as I saw Justin at the diner. At work, I was simply going through the motions, glad to be able to steal away sooner than usually. Which turned out to be a damn good idea.   
  
Finding the keys in my mailbox killed something in me, and while I was on the elevator, thinking I'd find the loft empty, I had these thoughts that I don't wish to recall. I just felt robbed ... of my safe place, my cult shrine to Brian Fucking Kinney – the Stud of Liberty Avenue. At some point, it had become our _home_ and now, with him gone... And then he was there, and I can hardly remember anything that was said during those first minutes. But I know that I started believing again as we were lying on the sofa, in the same place I'm sitting in right now. I don't mean the fucking, but the cuddling that followed... _Cuddling_?! Did I really just think about this post-coital bliss as _cuddling_? Fuck it all! Justin Taylor has managed something even Herakles would have failed at – he turned me into a fucking dyke! And the worst thing is that I don't really care. Now how pathetic is that?   
  
At some point I guess I fell asleep – well, realising what I had become, thanks to the little shit, must have knocked me out. Anyway, the first sound I hear as I return to the land of the living is his fucking stomach, grumbling like there's not just one but two lions inside the slender body. And as I crack my eyes open what do I see? "What's wrong with you, Justin? Do you need to see a doctor?" I have to grin at his confused look. "Well, you drew me while I was still very much dressed..."   
  
\---   
  
Justin   
  
I breathe a relieved sigh when the elevator stops and it's only a few more steps and then I'm home. The day had been taxing, and I'm not only referring to the ongoing Ethan-drama. The meeting with Mikey had also been challenging – in a good way. The next issue will be great and maybe I can convince Brian to re-enact some of the Rage / JT scenes. That would be – interesting to say the least. I have to smile at the warm feeling that comes over me as soon as I open the door to the loft. It feels like we've been like this forever, like it's not only been a little over 24 hours.   
  
After leaving Mikey, I took a moment to think about what had happened in the short span of a single day. And I only just managed to keep from bouncing the way Emmett had at the diner. The arrogant asshole really loves me! I hug myself cause even now that I'm home again it all feels like a dream. I'm wondering if Bri will be back any time soon when I hear a soft ... was that a _snore_? Anyway, the sound had come from the sofa, so I go investigate. My heart skips a beat at the sight before me. I shrug out of my jacket and begin to search my backpack frantically until I hold a pencil in my right and a sketch-book in my left hand. My stomach is growling at me, but it will have to wait cause this is so much more important. He's so beautiful that it takes my breath away. His face is completely relaxed and all those masks he feels he has to wear have fallen away. He is so vulnerable right now, and so trusting. I think there's only a handful of people he'd ever allow to see him like this. And I'm one of them.   
  
I'm doing my best to catch the beauty of this moment, try to preserve it on paper. Of course I'm failing miserably cause there's just no way I could ever do him justice. Fuck, was there really a time that I thought of Ethan as gorgeous? Okay, maybe he is – to anyone but me. I was such a bloody fool, a blind one on top of everything else. I shake my head and have to smile at my own stupidity. Thank God for Mikey. If it hadn't been for him, I'd still be in denial. Brian wouldn't have done anything to stop me because ... well, I'm going to get those stupid ideas out of his head, and if it takes forever. I don't think he has the slightest clue how happy he makes me, right now for example. And how much I love him, even with all his flaws. Hell, maybe I love him because of them. I gaze at the drawing, and it's okay I guess. I mean ... nothing I sketch or paint will ever come close to the original so this will have to do.   
  
He's stirring now and would have woken anyway even if my stomach hadn't chosen that particular moment to growl at me yet again. It's so _sweet_ – and Brian never does sweet – but the way he slowly opens his eyes, revealing their hazel depths to my gaze ... there's just no better word for it. Then of course he sees what I've been up to and he makes one of his patented _Brian Kinney comments_ , but that's okay. I see right through him and know how much this means to him cause it's been ages since he modelled for me, asleep or not. Maybe I was just afraid to see _him_ , believing that I didn't really deserve anything even remotely bordering on happiness.   
  
Fuck, my brain must have been fried when Hobbs took that bat to my head. Anyway, I just grin at him and tell him that I might need an appointment with Dr Kinney, and he smirks. Then I lean in and purr, "So what's for dinner, _dear_?" And I can't believe my luck cause he doesn't kill me then and there. He just glares and raises himself to his elbows, nodding towards the kitchen. I walk over – after kissing him 'hello' – and find the rest of yesterday's Sweet and Sour Chicken in the microwave. He even thought of the rice – Oh my God, Mr Kinney! Carbs after seven?!   
  
I hear him move behind me and then his arms are around me and he asks, "So how was your day, _honey_?" I snicker and turn in his embrace. I just have to kiss him again, and our tongues are still sliding against each other when the microwave beeps, heralding the coming of _food_.   
  
\---   
  
Brian   
  
I can't believe that I didn't strangle him after he called me 'dear'. I'm so fucking screwed. And now I find myself smiling at him again as he leans back against his chair, clearly happy now that the monster's been fed. Then he surprises me by saying, "Knowing how Debbie can never keep her mouth shut about things you probably already know that Ethan came to the diner today." I slowly nod and reach across to grasp his hand. This whole _Ian-thing_ must hurt him, even though he's not showing it. "I really tried to make him understand but... I think he doesn't really want to hear what I have to say, and maybe he never did. Unlike you." Now he's smiling and I squeeze his hand. I can't believe how pathetic the fucking fiddler is.   
  
He's still smiling when he clears the table and puts the bowls and stuff into the washer. If someone had told me last week that I'd be sitting here today, enjoying domestic life, they'd have found themselves in a strait-jacket soon after. But here I am, with no intention of heading to Babylon or something like that. We are both too fucking tired for that. And then there's still all that talking-shit... And why couldn't I keep from thinking that, cause suddenly there's his voice again, driving away the lesbian thoughts I'm thinking, and for a moment I'd rather keep on being a dyke than having to listen to him. "Bri ... before you left the diner this morning, you ... you said 'later' and, I don't know, I think you've said it before ... I just can't place it." I start to tremble. So this is it. Shit.   
  
I take his hand and lead him to the sofa, pushing him down. Then I grab the Beam and two glasses and pour both of us a drink. I sure as hell will need it. I drop down next to him and hand him his glass. Staring down into the amber liquid, I begin, "I wish I hadn't sent you away..." The way his hand is searching mine tells me that he knows what I'm talking about. "I wish you could remember, Justin. Not so much the dance but what happened in the garage before..."   
  
I have to stop for a moment, because suddenly I'm there again, and I'm screaming his name – _Justin_ – and he turns with this smile on his lips, just before the bat connects with his temple. My gaze falls on our hands, fingers entwined. And somehow this gives me the strength to continue. "You said it was the best night of your life. And for a moment there I almost responded in kind. But in the end I just said something about it being _ridiculously romantic_." His fucking allergies have caught up with me again, but I don't care. "The way you looked at me, like you really saw me... I think that was when I knew that I had to try to make this work." He raises my hand to his lips, kissing it. "Then we kissed and... I let you go. If I hadn't..."   
  
His arms come around me then, and he takes my glass away from my shaking hands. He's holding me tightly, and I feel myself clinging to him, just like I did that night when he was lying there on the cold cement... _No no no no no no ... God!_ It was all my fault, despite his claims to the contrary. How could I forget, if only for a moment, that I didn't deserve this kind of happiness. That no matter how hard I tried, I'd never be able to keep something good all to myself. I want to push him away then, cause I'm simply not safe for him and he will be hurt again, by me or someone else, it doesn't matter. But he won't let me.   
  
There are tears in his voice, but it's still so strong and sure, "No, Brian. Whatever you're thinking – just _no_. You're wrong. It wasn't your fault. Whatever _he_ told you, you deserve this. You are worth being loved." For a second, he stops, unsure if it's safe to say the words. But then he takes a leap of faith. "I _love_ you. And I won't let you push me away again. I'll hold on, cause I know that you feel the same." And I do, I'm just too fucked up to tell him, when he's not asleep that is. "You saved me – that night and later as well. I was so scared – of _everything_. And you were the only thing that seemed real at that time. You helped me so much, you gave me back my art for fuck's sake!"   
  
I'm sniffling, fuck... "It was the only thing I could do. After all, it was my..."   
  
"Say that again and I'll kick you so hard that you won't be able to walk for a week! It _wasn't_ your fault. All you did was try and give me something special. So stop it. Cut the crap and just accept that not everything is your fault, that this was something out of your control! You _didn't_ give Hobbs a hand-job, you _didn't_ flaunt your sexuality at him every time you could. I did all those things! Yeah, maybe it was seeing us together at the Prom that made him get that bat, but we'll never know that."   
  
For some reason, he's suddenly chuckling lowly, "And even if that was the reason, I still wouldn't want to change a thing. Cause even if I can't remember it, I know that it was one of the most important things that ever happened on our way to _this_." And he kisses my cheek as he slowly forces my head up until our eyes meet. "We deserve this, you and I. So you better start believing it, Kinney, cause I won't go away."   
  
Once again I hear Jack laughing at me, but then there's Justin's voice, telling him to shut up. Surprisingly, he does. Now what does that mean? Other than that I'm completely cracked and should see a shrink. My hands are mapping his face, and I lean in to brush a soft kiss on his right temple. There's no blood, not anymore. He's here, he's alive, and I can finally let go. He looks so _free_ now, like a great weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Fuck, I should have known. Why didn't I make him talk about this before? Oh yeah, right. Because I thought that I'd break down completely. Like I did that night. "I'm sorry, Justin. I had to be strong, and I feared that..."   
  
How does he do it? He knows exactly what I'm talking about even though I hardly do myself. "I know. And you were right, I guess. Not in thinking that you'd have lost all your strength, but... I don't know, I think with all the rehab and stuff, and not being able to remember anything... I don't know if I could have survived a talk like this one back then. I only wish you had told me..." I nod, gazing into those beautiful blue eyes. I guess I was just a bloody coward, didn't want him to know how pathetic I really was. And I failed to see what he needed most. The reassurance that I ... _cared_. I don't think I ever really gave him that. Cause I did my utmost to lock my feelings somewhere inside of me, and unfortunately he simply couldn't see it. I open my mouth, but he stops me before I can say even one word. "No, Brian. No more apologies. Not now at any rate..."   
  
And he's right. I mean, just look at me. I'm fucking crying! And I let him see me like that. Fuck! So I just take his hand again, and draw him with me up the steps and before I know it we're on the bed, and he's kissing me like he wants to convince me that he's really there, that I haven't lost him. When he's finally drawing back to catch his breath, he's flushed and his lips are swollen and I wish I could just be the man he seems to see in me still, and just tell him. But then his fingers cover my lips, "Shhh, it's okay. I know. I _know_." Then his fingers are replaced by his lips again, and he's unbuttoning my shirt, and all I can do is hold on.   
  
Soon our bodies are sliding together, and fuck, but it's hard not to start crying again. 'Kinney, what the fuck is wrong with you?' He's reaching for the lube and a condom, and I suddenly know what I need... I need _him_ , and isn't that a scary thought? But it's still true, and maybe he was right after all and I can afford to need him. Jack is quiet, so I'm growing a little more confident. I stop his hand that's just about to place the condom on my cock. "Put it on..." I don't say anything else but he knows what I mean, what I _need_. He reaches for a pillow and I raise my hips so he can push it under me. Then there's a lubed finger at my hole, and I sigh and close my eyes because it feels so fucking good. But I need more, more than the two fingers that are now stretching me.   
  
As I open my eyes again, I see him smile once more. And then he's pushing into me, and I force myself to keep my eyes open this time, to let him see past all the walls I put up around me. 'I love you, Justin.' And the little shit gives me one of his Sunshine smiles as if he can read my mind and has heard... Maybe he has.   
  
\---   
  
Justin   
  
I can't believe that he is so brave, and doesn't even know it. And fuck, I could kill his father if he wasn't dead already. Jack Kinney, who'd done a brilliant job at making his only son believe that he was worth nothing. Who beat the shit out of him whenever he felt like it. And still Brian survived, lived to become the wonderful man he is now. The man who still thinks that Jack was right, but maybe I could make him begin to doubt...   
  
That he's letting me top him again after this morning's little, well, accident ... it's just one of the things that show me that he's _not_ the coward he thinks he is. I'm slowly moving out of him, only to push back in, and I feel the tears clouding my vision ... shit! He surprises both of us when he pulls my head down, and tenderly kisses all traces of my _allergies_ away. And suddenly I know what this reminds me of. That first night we were together again, after Gus' birthday party and my freaking out cause I finally remembered the bashing.   
  
This time it's he who needs to be reassured, and I think I'm doing a fair enough job at it cause he's beginning to gasp whenever I hit his prostate. Wrapping my hand around his cock, I make sure to give him as much pleasure as possible, and fuck, he's shaking again, and his eyes are welling. But he's smiling, so open and trusting, and I don't know why but I'm suddenly erupting within him and he tumbles over the edge after me.   
  
As soon as I have caught my breath, I whisper, "Trust this, Brian, trust _us_." He nods, and that's when I know that we have really weathered this. Okay, there's still the stuff with Ethan, but I don't have enough energy to care just now. I know that there are still some things that I have to drag to the surface. And one of those is his childhood. Cause other than Mikey, Deb and Vic, no one really knows. And I think there are still things that eat away at him cause he never told anyone. Well, he doesn't know it yet, but he _will_ tell me. Because I'm his fucking partner, if he wants to admit it or not. And because he deserves to let go.   
  
I get rid of the condom, and when I turn to meet his gaze again, he's smiling once more – no, it's really a grin. Uh-ohh. "I almost forgot to tell you something, Taylor." He sits up and crosses his arms over his chest. "I have a business proposal for you." What? Another one? First Linz and now Brian? "Actually, it's more an order really. Cause I've no intention of running crazy any time soon." What the fuck is he talking about? "I seem to remember that you need some practical experience for your degree, and Vanguard needs someone with a brain in Arts. So, you will get your shit together and apply for an internship. Did I make myself clear?"   
  
He wants me to do what? An internship? At Vanguard? Ok, they are the best in Pittsburgh, but that's not the point. Does this mean that he wants me around, or is it just that he's so desperate to find someone to help out that he's even turning to me. He sighs and rubs his eyes, "Now don't damage that nice head of yours by thinking about this too much. It means nothing that you don't want it to mean."   
  
Well, I want it to mean that he wants me there, that he wants to spend both day and night with me, that I'm not just his lover, but his equal in this relationship-thing that we have going here. I grin, falling back into behaviour patterns of my high school days. "You so care about me, Mr Kinney. So much that you want me to work for you." He smirks, knowing that I'm just teasing him.   
  
And suddenly he's got me pinned to the bed, his eyes darkening as his cock is growing hard against my thigh. "Yes, I want you there. Because I thought it's really getting old, us having our emotional breakdowns on that couch over there. Maybe we should try the one in my office for a change." And then he kisses me and despite being still a little sore I welcome him into my body as if it's been ages, and not just 20 or so hours. He takes me hard and fast, and is still gentle and considerate of my poor abused ass. I smile at him cause we can finally move on and get past the fucking bashing, and start healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr... [Eowyn's Musings](http://eowynsmusings.tumblr.com/). I know, the name's a big surprise :P


	5. Chapter 5 - The Stalker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting creepy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terribly sorry for not posting the next chapter any time sooner. There really is no excuse considering this is an old story ;)   
>   
>  Hope you still enjoy it though <3

Justin   
  
It's Friday now and I'm looking back at the past week, and if I say it's been a weird couple of days it wouldn't do them justice really. After our little chat about the Prom and the bashing, I thought it would be better to give Bri a little break. Cause even _Brian Fucking Kinney_ can only take so much before he cracks. And anyway, there was so fucking much going on that we were so tired yesterday evening that we just wanted to crawl into bed and die. Well, scratch the dying part, but we were fucking exhausted.   
  
So yeah, yesterday was _interesting_ again. First it was Arts for him once more, and P.I.F.A. for me. Bri told me about those fucking boards and how those _fuckers_ still managed to screw them up even when he was using core vocab only. Shit, even Gus would have gotten it sooner than those losers. And my _beloved_ school, well, the guys in Administration anyway... they were wondering why I suddenly wanted to take a break from my classes mid-term to start an internship. Let's just say that when I dropped the name Vanguard they were suddenly very much sold to the idea. And I was so proud of Brian that I almost told those idiots that my lover was a partner in the agency, but that wouldn't have gone down too well, so I just kept my mouth shut. Anyway, I got the necessary papers and a résumé of my courses and stuff at P.I.F.A. and sent all that, plus samples of my work and a lovely little letter to the Head of Arts at Vanguard and about an hour later I got a call and that guy was simply dying to meet me and that, yes, I could be their intern and could I please start as soon as possible?   
  
So I went over to Vanguard, and who should I meet in Arts but "one of the partners, a really tough guy" – yup, none other than Mr Brian Kinney. He played along, but I could see that tongue-in-cheek grin, and I almost jumped him there in front of everyone. And I'm sure that the asshole knew what he was doing to me. He asked if I could come up to his office as soon as the sightseeing was over "so we can get you sorted, Mr Taylor." And about ten minutes later he had me up against the wall, kissing me until my knees almost gave way. Since he was busy, we didn't have time to christen his couch, but he promised that as soon as I was working for _him_...   
  
As I had the late shift at the diner, I still managed to get to Linz, and she was thrilled about the internship and stuff. Said that it was just proving that Bri was very much in love with me. Then she got this look that she's usually reserving for Bri, and told me that if I ever hurt Brian again, she'd come after me with a frying pan. Gus was playing on the floor in front of us, and had echoed her. "Pan," he said, and, "Jus – pan!" and then he giggled. I just love the little guy. He's so much like his _dada_ that it's almost scary.   
  
Linz laughed at him, which only got him giggling harder. Eventually though, he grew tired and fell asleep right there on the carpet. Linz put him to bed and then came down again and asked if I didn't want to have a coffee or something. When we were settled, she finally mentioned that gallery owner, and I got out some small sketches that she might want to show him, and she was smiling at me, and told me that she was certain that I'd be picked for that show. She also saw that little drawing I had made of Brian, and she was sighing and hugging me.   
  
So then I had to go to the diner, and this time there was no _Ethan-interruption_ , but I was still fucking dead when I got back to the loft around 12:30 a.m. Actually, we got to the loft together cause Brian had been forced to stay at the agency because of those fucking boards. Before we fell into bed, dead-tired, I think I asked him if he'd eaten anything, and he said that Cyn had ordered something ... "so stop worrying, _mum_."   
  
So yeah, it's Friday now, and I can't believe that I'm awake again before the alarm goes off. Bri's still asleep, poor _baby_ , but maybe I can give him a nice wake-up call. So after a short trip to the bathroom, I move the sheet covering him out of the way and begin to worship his slowly hardening cock. He's moaning, still fast asleep, but inching towards waking, and I smile around my mouthful, slowly bobbing my head up and down, my tongue massaging the large vein that runs along his dick. When his hand grabs hold of my hair, I know he's awake, and I begin to work in earnest. One hand searches for his so our fingers can twine while the other is caressing his sacs and scrotum. His moans are louder now, and I think this is a first cause usually he holds back.   
  
My own cock is painfully erect as well, and I'm rubbing myself against the mattress, knowing that I'll come as soon as I can taste his essence on my tongue. I look up, and gasp at the intense expression in his eyes. The sudden gust of cold air is apparently enough for him, and he's exploding into my mouth, his head thrown back against the pillows. And as I had predicted, I'm following him, but am still able to drink down every drop he gives me. I lick him clean, and he places a finger under my chin, forcing my head up so I meet his gaze. He smirks and raises an eyebrow at me, "You did it again, didn't you?"   
  
And I know what he means and just shrug, "At least not all over your new duvet this time." He chuckles at that, and I grin. It seems ages since that night, even though it's not yet two years since we met under that street lamp. I'm reaching over to switch off the alarm, and then drag him to the bathroom with me. Last night, we didn't get anything done, so my ass is missing him. It's still early enough, so maybe some _reacquainting_ is in order.   
  
\---   
  
Brian   
  
After a little fuck and games in the shower, he tells me that he has to go to school again today, so the internship can be finalised and all of that shit. "So I was thinking... Could you perhaps go to the diner and tell Deb that I'll be in about an hour later?" Who the fuck am I? His personal messenger? "And, you know, you could grab some breakfast while you're there..." Ahhh, so that's what this is all about, is it? Little _Brianey_ can't watch out for himself, so he needs his two _mommies_ to make sure that he eats enough. But instead of telling him that he's out of line, I just slap him over the head, and he grins, the little shit.   
  
I think it's time I had a little chat with Mikey for landing me in this relationship-shit again after I'd made sure that Justin left. In other words, to thank my best friend for ensuring that I didn't lose my Sunshine. "Alright, alright. In return you'll make sure that there are enough lemon bars left around twelve cause I intend to treat Mikey..." He leans over and kisses me, and I forget what I was going to say, and when he draws back again I'm lucky that I still remember my name. Damn, my little _wifey_ is kissing me, and I'm completely losing it.   
  
Before he strolls out of the building to go to the fucking bus stop, I hand him some catalogues. "I made a pre-selection, but you have the final say what monstrosity we're going to buy. Since you'll have to drive it." He glares at me for a sec, but then puts them into his backpack, promising that he'll look at them and tell me what he wants when I come to the diner for lunch. Why I'm suddenly dreading my lunch break is beyond me. I mean, when looking at all those vans and stuff, I was already having one fit after the other, and to think about getting one of those _things_... I'm turning into a _family guy_ , and wasn't that something my old man had said... Then again, Justin said that whatever Jack told me was fucking stupid and I was so much better than _him_ , was a million-times better than him actually and could never become the _lovely_ father he was.   
  
We kiss goodbye, and I watch him run to his bus while I climb into the jeep to deliver Justin's message to Deb. I'm such a lovesick dyke, fuck it! Anyway, as I reach the diner, Debbie is having a bit of an argument with a customer, and I sit down in a booth and wait for her to finish up. But when I hear said customer – "I want to see Justin, so tell me where he is!" – I know it's that bloody _Ian_ again and I just have to tell him to piss off.   
  
So I walk over, and grab hold of his shoulder, turning him around. "Coffee, Deb? Please?" She nods, and then my eyes fix on that little piece of shit who just can't admit that he's lost Justin. "He's not here, Ethan, or do you think he'd let me walk in without kissing me 'hello'? So you can just leave again. And while you're at it, don't bother coming back. I think Justin's made it clear enough that he doesn't want you around anymore."   
  
He's so stupid, I just can't believe it. Or maybe he still thinks that I somehow bribed or blackmailed Justin into coming back. Like I'd do that. "Fuck off, Kinney. I wasn't talking to you. And I don't care what Justin says now, I know he doesn't want to be with you. I will give him what he needs, cause I love him." I want to rip that fucking grin off his face.   
  
And I don't know what's gotten into me, but I suddenly find myself responding, "Well, not that it's any of your fucking business, but I _love_ him as well." Debbie has of course been eavesdropping and is now staring at me as if I'd grown a second head. I smile at her, and then the smile turns nasty as I catch his gaze again, "Did you hear? I love him as well, and he loves me. Don't flatter yourself by thinking you could ever get him to care about you like this. Did you think that all that romantic shit you've been giving him could make him drop what we have?" I'm really pissed, so I don't realise what I'm saying just now. Wasn't that exactly what I've been thinking at the Rage party? "We have gone through hell, Justin and I, and we're still here, still growing stronger with every passing day." Since, well, about four days. Before it was all pretty much fucked up. But I suddenly realise that what we have now ... shit, it might last.   
  
He must be deaf, because he just grins and shakes his head, "You aren't what he _needs_. And I'll make sure that he realises that as well." He grabs a fucking rose that he must have put on the counter earlier, and whispers, "Enjoy these last days you have with him, Kinney. I'll get him in the end." Then he leaves and I get this bad feeling that this wasn't the last we've heard of him. Fuck it.   
  
I think it all started on Justin's birthday, and if I had been only a little more, well, caring then... I had been standing in front of the fucking flowers, but then... But Justin said no more apologies or regrets. I sink into one of the stools, and start banging my head against the counter. I'm a dyke, fuck, fuck, fuck!   
  
"Kindly stop putting a dent into our furniture." That's Deb, and I raise my head to meet her eyes, and she gives me that 'I told you so' smirk, and I know I'm fucked. "So you finally admitted it to yourself, yes? Took you long enough, you asshole. Hope you told Sunshine, cause I'm sure he'd be fucking thrilled to hear it."   
  
I shake my head, and she slaps me, but before she can start arguing, I say, "He knows, Deb. And he is willing to wait until I can fucking tell him." I'm so pathetic – damn! I can't believe I told _Ian_ that I love Justin, within earshot of Debbie. Okay, I was fucking angry, but still... Something scary is happening here, and I don't really want to think about it. So I just order something to eat and then tell her what her little Sunshine _ordered_ me to tell her. She's patting my cheek, and I'm so going to take him to Babylon tonight because I need to get at least a bit of _Brian Fucking Kinney_ back.   
  
\---   
  
Justin   
  
I feel like total shit. What did I ever see in Ethan? Naturally not the mad-man he obviously is. How often do I have to tell him that it's over. Fuck, for _it_ to be over we'd have needed to be in a relationship, and we sure as hell weren't. He was _pain-management_ , and nothing else. I wanted to show Brian that someone could give me what he refused to provide me with. And we all know how well that one went. Anyway, Ethan was a phase, a very sick and stupid phase and I'm glad to say that it's over and I'm back where I belong. With Brian!   
  
Brian... I can't believe what he told Ethan. Twice! Deb has tears in her eyes as she tells me, like she's so fucking happy that her second _son_ is finally ready to take this step. And I assure her that I don't need to hear the words anymore to know that they are true. Anyway, he tells me again and again in his own way. Like when he didn't rip my head off when I told him that I loved him. I know he's trying, and I wish I could show him that it's really okay, but he thinks he has to tell me, has to prove to _Jack_ that he isn't a fucking coward.   
  
As the door opens to admit Brian and Mikey, I have to force myself to remain where I am. Else I'd be running over to Bri and kiss him and tell him how sorry I am, and that would be the wrong course of action. So I let him come over and draw me into his arms, and I hear him whisper, "It's okay." Then he kisses my nose and adds, louder now, "So where are the lemon bars you promised me?" I laugh and reach behind the counter to retrieve the plate with about six bars, and smirk. "Useful outside of the bedroom as well. I can hardly believe my luck." He's joking, but I can hear the truth behind the words.   
  
They sit down and Brian orders his usual turkey sandwich, like I'd known he would, and Mikey wants a cheeseburger and fries, which isn't surprising, either. Mikey loves junk food as much as I do, which leads to battles over the last piece of pizza sometimes – when we're working on Rage that is. After I put their plates in front of them, I'm getting out of there. I know that Bri will tell me anyway, and I'm not like Deb, even though I'm glad that she was snooping earlier. When I hear Mikey laugh, I know everything is well between those two, and Brian hasn't given him a hard time for meddling.   
  
Then I hear Brian's voice, "Hey Taylor, get your ass over here." I have to grin, and Deb just shakes her head. Yeah, Bri's impossible, so what's new. I walk over to their booth and Brian's moving over, making room for me, and then he puts his arm around my shoulder and grins. "It looks like Mikey and the professor finally want to move in together. Can you believe how long it took them?" I have to chuckle, and Bri raises his eyebrow. Mikey just glares.   
  
"You know, we wanted to sort things out before living together. Look where the opposite almost got you." There's no venom in his voice, and I grin at him and nod. He's right, and it's spooky that I'm thinking this, about Mikey of all people. "I mean, if it hadn't been for me..." He trails off, and I can see how grateful Brian is, grateful that his best friend had to get involved. Cause without him I'd still be with Ethan, and Brian... I kiss his cheek, and then move quickly before he can punish me for doing something so _mawkish_.   
  
And since I'm going to be killed anyway, I'm telling him over my shoulder, "By the way, I looked at the cars, and I want the Sharan." Then I'm really running for cover, cause I know he'll think I picked the most terrible van imaginable. I hear Michael chuckle, and Brian heaves a sigh. Well, this whole thing was his idea, so now he's to live with it. I want the Sharan, and I'll get it, or there'll be no new car at all.   
  
"Get back here, Taylor." I edge back to the booth, and this time sit down next to Mikey cause it healthier if Brian is in one of his moods. But then he surprises me by saying, "We'll get it tomorrow, so you don't find a way to get out of this anymore." Did he really just agree to go with my choice? Okay... Who are you and what did you do to Brian? He gives me that grin of his, and I know that I'm so going to pay for this. "And for every dollar the hideous thing is going to cost, you will have to give me a blow job, so I hope your jaw is in good working order."   
  
I snicker and nod, and Mikey's patting my back and everything is just so surreal... "And I think the guys in Arts want you to come over again today so you can get your keys and ID and all of that rot. Or maybe they are just terribly in love with you, who knows." He shrugs. "So you better check your cell for the message." Then he's suddenly smiling, and my heart is doing some funny things in my chest. "And since it's Friday, and the whole rotten presentation when down so well, why don't you come up to my office again and we try out that couch..."   
  
"You're so full of shit, Brian. Impossible really." Mikey is grinning, but I can only stare at Brian and nod. I know he wants to take me to Babylon tonight, and suddenly I'm realising something. Since I came back, he hasn't been tricking. And neither will he tonight cause I'll be there and he promised. I know it shouldn't mean so much to me, but it does. Maybe he hasn't realised it himself, and it's really just a coincidence. Or maybe he's trying to tell me...   
  
\---   
  
Brian   
  
I know what he's thinking about, and fuck if I know why I'm doing it. We are going to Babylon, and I won't seek out a trick, cause he's by my side, and why would I go for second best? But maybe I'm finally realising _something_. Mikey and the professor are happy with their little monogamous thingy, and didn't I promise myself to do anything I could to make that little shit happy as well? _Lesbian_! That's so fucking lesbian! But I think I'll still give it a try. Of course I won't tell Justin, or else he'd either tell me that he doesn't want me to change for him, or he'll have a queen-out. And since I'm not changing for him – yeah, right – well, not only for him, and I certainly don't want our little drama-princess to come to the fore again, I'm going to keep my mouth shut. He's going to figure it out eventually, cause he's too fucking smart.   
  
We pass that street lamp on our search for a parking space, and he grins at me. If I had known what would come my way that night, I would have run for the hills instead of walking up to him. _Where're you headed? – No place special. – I can change that._ Shit. It's he who changed _me_. He dragged me into this relationship, kicking and screaming. But I'm not screaming anymore. I think after our little chat the other night, it's painfully clear that I'm not willing to lose him, no matter what it takes. Which also means that this is what I want. Dyke? Yeah, I know...   
  
We are finally in the club, and I'm dragging him straight into the backroom. Wouldn't do to waste any time. I push him against the wall, my hands undoing the buttons of his jeans. "Let's give them a show they'll never forget." He nods and then I'm kissing him, my tongue prying his lips apart, and then it's this urgent thing, and we are rubbing against each other like horny teenagers - well, he is one still, so I guess it's okay.   
  
\---   
  
Justin   
  
The kiss alone makes people stare at us, cause I don't think Brian has ever kissed any of his tricks like this, not here at any rate. My hands sneak down to free his dick from the confines of his pants, but he slaps them away. Then he breaks the kiss and before I know it he drops down onto his knees and starts blowing me. "Fuck!" Okay, this is really a first cause he never goes down on anyone in the backroom, the baths or God-knows-where. And if I wasn't so far gone already, I could really appreciate what he's doing here, what he's telling me. But there'll be time for that later.   
  
For now I just feel. The things he does with his tongue should be forbidden, but then again - no. Cause I really love them, and _need_... Gods, how I need him to keep doing this, and then he scrapes my cock with his teeth and I don't think I've ever come so fast in my life. I sag against the wall, and would have dropped down had he not kept me up. He tugs me in after licking me clean, and then he's kissing me again, sharing my taste with me. Fuck, it's so hot! I want to reciprocate, but once again my hand is being slapped away, and he whispers, "Later."   
  
People are gaping at us, and I have to snicker. Bri just shrugs and starts to drag me back into the main part of the club when I see – or think I see at least – Ethan. Standing in a corner, looking at me with an expression like he's going to throw up soon. But then Brian tugs at my hand, and when I look again, Ethan's gone. Please, don't let him turn into a fucking stalker. Not because I think it would change anything between Brian and me, but because it would be unnerving. Mikey had called me 'stalker' once, but that had been different. Ethan on the other hand...   
  
"Hello? Justin?" Bri's waving a beer in front of me, and I grab it from his hand, taking a swallow. He looks concerned, shit. "What's wrong?" Then ... Brian being Brian, "I'm sure I did alright in there cause I don't think you ever lost it so fast before. Or is it that?" He grins, tongue-in-cheek. "Don't be embarrassed. You'll have plenty of chances to make it up to me." He puts his arm around me, and whispers into my ear, "And I mean tonight..." I shiver.   
  
Then the gang joins us, and Emmett is still bouncing like mad, and I think I have to tell him what he needs to know or he'll explode. So I drag him to the dance floor, ignoring Brian's glare. "He's possessive, that one." Em nods towards Brian, and I just smirk. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. "So it's true, yes? You sorted it all out and are doing your _Romeo and Juliet_ thing again? Without the dying stuff of course." I snicker, wondering if he really thinks I'd make a good Juliet to Brian's Romeo. "I'm so happy for you, sweetie." He gives me a huge smile. Then he adds, "And for Brian as well, I guess."   
  
That's so Em. I mean, he loves Brian - they all do. But with Brian you always have to be on your guard, so... "I was a complete fucking idiot, and I'm really glad that Mikey did his _best-friend-thingy_ and sorted me out before it was too late." Emmett nods, dancing to the beat, and for a moment I wonder if he's really listening to me. But then he looks at me again and I know that he's still with me. "I almost made the biggest fucking mistake of my life, and you know what? I thought it was the best thing ever. I'm so _pathetic_."   
  
"Nah, you're not. You were confused, and that happens to the best of us sometimes. The important thing is that you're you again now, and that you went for what you want. Though I still don't understand why it had to be Brian..." He grins, and then we start to talk about him and Ted, and this is just so odd. But Em seems to think that it's the right thing for him, so I'm glad for them. For a moment I think I see Ethan again, and I freeze.   
  
But then the song is over and Brian stands there, once again giving his death glare to Emmett. "Come on, Sunshine. Let's show these _girls_ how to get this floor boiling." And he proceeds to do just that and there's no more thinking about Ethan. At least for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr... [Eowyn's Musings](http://eowynsmusings.tumblr.com/). I know, the name's a big surprise :P


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